Oh, our babies. The cute, adorable bundles of joy that make us beam as proud parents. Is there nothing we’d do for them? That’s why we spoil them rotten. But there is a difference between love and crazy. And as these wacky, insane baby products obviously being bought by some parental units prove, there is a tipping point between caring mom and dad and just plum nuts.
But, hey, if you’re looking to buy the best of the stuff you’re going to store away in the junk closet, this is is the place to start.
1. The iPotty
Aw, poop, with all the crap on Twitter and Facebook these days, why the hell not? It’s never too early to start trolling. I just want to know… does it come in an adult size?
2. Bottle Holder
When you’re sick and tired of caring for your infant, just twist some hangers together. And then for all those times when you’re get sick and tired of holding your beer… Voila!
3. Snail Vacuum Cleaner
What combines the independence of riding free with the wind in your hair with joy of house cleaning? Giddy up, Hoover!
4. The Baby/Hamster Formula Dispenser
Why waste all that time to snuggle up to your precious mother’s bosom? After all, you’ve got a giant wheel to run on!
5. The Onsie Dust Mop
Why waste all your hard-earned money on a Roomba? You’ve got a baby!
6. “It’s a Boy!” Card
7. The Zaky Hand Pillow
Because nothing comforts a child more than a disembodied arm.
8. The Baby Toupee
For parents who wished their baby looked like Donald Trump.
9. The Poop Alarm
By sensing changes in humidity and temperature, this device aims to alert you to when your baby needs a changing. Personally, I’ve never had too much trouble telling when a kid has power-washed his diaper.
10. The Grillz Pacifier
That’s soooooo 2002.
11. The Bucktoothed Redneck Pacifier
For those times when you want to lower the look of your baby’s IQ.
12. The Fisher-Price Apptivity Center
Yes, nothing builds your baby’s cognitive skills quite like organizing your contacts folder.
The Tummy Tub is a bucket that costs $45 and supposedly replicates the feeling of being in the womb. Shoot, and to think I’ve been using a 5-gallon pickle bucket all these years. Silly me.
14. The Thudguard
How as a civilization did we ever make it to the twenty-first century without the Thudguard?
15. The Windi
Really? How can plastic insertable butt plugs be the natural solution?
16. The Snotsucker
The big question I have with this is… should “Snotsucker” be one word?
So how do you wash and rinse the area under the cap?
18. The Daddle
Hell, my kids are teenagers and they’re still riding me hard everyday.
For the Alien lover inside of you.
20. The Pee-Pee Teepee
Supposedly you are to use these to cover up your boy’s junk during diaper changes to stop any accidents. But that takes all the fun out of it.
This motion-sensing belt sends a Tweet on behalf of your baby every time a kick is detected. What the hell would a fetus have to Tweet about? “It’s hot in here and the food sucks!” Or maybe, “”I ain’t even born yet and I already think Justin Bieber is a douchebag”. #stupid
22. The Baby Lasso
50 Shades of Pink.
Teach her to clean the damn thing while she’s at it.
24. The Placenta Brooch
For those who wear they placenta on their sleeve.
25. J&D’s Bacon Flavored Baby Formula
Because it’s never too early to hop on board the obesity train.
26. The WhyCry Mini Crying Analyzer
Think of it as an annoying game of Simon with infants.
27. The Crumb Cap
Works great with the Thudguard and a full-body bubble wrap.
29. The Original Breeze Baby Butt Fan
Hell, I usually just hook-up the garden hose.
30. Heelarious Baby Heels
Oh, hell no!